Grrls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Heavens To Betsy

2010-06-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

The history of Betsy Ross definitely deserves this new look.

As the article discusses...the only image of her we have in our minds is that of a dutiful seamstress. Not a whole person. Not a vibrant woman.

Never Give Up; Never Surrender!

2010-05-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

When last visiting Keera's blog, A Roll In The Universe , I saw a very funny video ! Hope Beyoncé doesn't mind the spoof :) It shows some middle-aged women dancing to one of B.'s tunes, with their own lyrics ;) Check it out!

One day I am sure these lyrics will apply to me...um, like today, maybe. I have very few mirrors in my home and I plan on keeping it that way so I won't be quite sure what I look like. I have a bit more confidence that way.

And I dance, sometimes, when I'm home alone. With the curtains closed.

I know I rarely think of what anyone actually looks like; I think of who they ARE, at least who I think they are! But I also know I'm kind of a ditzy airhead and that a lot of people judge by whether or not one's appearance is close enough to the current ideal.

Hopefully some people can see beauty somewhere within even the sagging soggy waters of aging, and of what life does to us when we are not looking. I'm never going to give up looking for those people. Or give up dancing, even if only in my dreams.

Catholic Priests And Children

2010-04-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

My mother is a good Catholic and I was raised to be one. I was pretty devout, for a child. But when I made my Confirmation I expressed some doubts and was reassured by a west-coast, laid-back, easygoing priest. Not like some of the fireandbrimstones I'd seen in some east coast churches.

I guess I'm still Catholic because the Rosary is an important part of meditation and spirituality for me. I also can access my spiritual side in cathedrals, around stained glass windows, and in humble places as long as they have the familiar Mass going on which brings me back to my childhood and makes the timeline of my life a circle instead of zip line.

But there are so many areas where I disagree with the Church that if I were famous enough to be noticed by the Pope I would be excommunicated. And the Pope, along with the Churce hierarchy, have always made me uncomfortable in that they seem to have a lavish lifestyle and quite a bit of pride in their worldly power, things which don't remind me of Jesus Christ.

I have thought for a long time that priests should be allowed to marry if they so choose. Not because I am horrified by the thought of gay priests, but because I think having some married priests would help the Church to become more savvy about what hetero couples and their children experience in life. And yes I think Catholics should accept gays and treat them simply as other human beings; look how Jesus treated the then-despised Samaritans.

Needless to say, the abuse of children by priests makes me literally sick. And the cover-up of such actions makes me extremely angry. How dare the Church not put the children, the innocent victims, first. Imagine having this happen to you as a child and then having your devoutly Catholic family not believe you when you tried to tell them about it. Too horrific to even contemplate, and this is coming from someone whose life has not really been the proverbial bed of roses (except for the thorns. I know a lot about thorns.)

I lived in Rhode Island for a year in 1969-70. What this woman experienced as a girl was...for the grace of God, there go I. My heart goes out to her.

And what the Church did? An abomination before God.

Pedophiles are not always able to help their compulsions. I can understand and even sympathize with mental illness. I know there are some who have begged to be locked up or even put to death. This is the kind of thing I think the mental institutions we used to have might be good for. With the caveat that the enforced lockup has to be for lifetime, not some legalistic definition of lifetime as four or five years.

Anyway.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/03/17/ireland.abuse.abroad/index.html

Health Care Reform. It's the LAW.

2010-03-26T02:53:00.000-07:00

The dust is still settling and all I could cobble together to post re the health care bill, for now, is here. There are some links there which discuss the bill from a woman's perspective.

More to come on this topic, I am sure...

My fellow women: please help improve the federal health care bill

2010-03-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

You can spend three minutes and make a huge difference. What to do is laid out here:
http://beepbeep.livejournal.com/1119845.html .

There is very little time, so please make a quick call (instructions given) and sign a petition now!

Petition To Stop Violence Against Women

2010-03-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

Support the International Violence Against Women Act.

Charging Females Who Have Miscarriages With Murder

2010-03-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

Miscarriage of justice, in my opinion.

Many times there is no way to prove whether or not something happened via an "intentional or knowing" act. It's Utah vs. Women.

Happy International Women's Day!

2010-03-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

Some links of interest:

International Women's Day Dot Com

United Nations, IWD 2010

The Frisky, Today's Lady News: International Women's Day

Huffington Post, 11 Women Who Are Changing The World

President Obama Marks International Women's Day

Last night, Oscar Night: first time a woman wins Best Director, Best Picture !

For me, a well-known women's issue...

2009-12-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

has now become a personal issue.

Imagine the proposal and the beautiful ring on Christmas Eve...or...

2009-11-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

keeping your self-respect. Not a hard choice for me (the self-respect, PLEASE) but I can't speak for anyone else.

Confession, though: I know so many happily married people who got engaged to be married during the holiday season. I admit to feeling a twinge of...something. I think about the bride dolls I saved from when I was little for the children I am not going to have. Wistful, maybe. That's a good word!

Anyway, I can't marry anyone. I can't risk ever possibly burdening them with my massive medical bills. If I'd been born in any one of numerous other first-world countries with truly national health care, my life might have been very different. No one can say whether or not it would be a better life, but at least it would have had a chance of fitting what I dreamed and planned rather than what half of my country, paranoid about "socialism", decided for me. So much for MY freedom...sigh.

Anyway, I do think that love is a million billion trillion times more important than a ring, and that telling lies in order to get a marriage proposal is just plain stupid. Whom would your man be marrying, then, the person you pretended to be? Do you plan to pretend for the rest of your life? Or do you think divorce court looks like a lot of fun? Stupid! My opinion FWIW. Sorry, "Rules Girls"...

Save On Holiday Shopping: No Reason To Buy BOTH Of These Books

2009-11-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

Seems "Going Rogue" and "Gossip Girl" have a lot in common ?

I personally will be saving even MORE by purchasing neither ;) Although admittedly I can think of a few friends who might want a copy of...hmm, which one?...for Christmas.

Senator McCain, what were you thinking? Inquiring minds want to know!

More Palin Book Gossip

2009-11-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Check it out...

Palin's Book Goes Rogue On The Facts

Sarah Palin On Katie Couric

Sarah Palin Says She Did Not Know Daughter Bristol Was Sexually Active Before She Got Pregnant

Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters Interviews With Palin Airing Soon

Sarah Palin, Levi Johnston, and Thanksgiving

Sarah Palin's Facebook Page

Sarah Palin's Book, "Going Rogue", will be out on November 17. Her book tour starts November 18.

And that's a lot more than I wanted to know about all that.

Is it really so close to Thanksgiving already? I guess I'm thankful we don't have all this gossip flying about with Ms. Palin as VP of the USA...but no, I don't think she's now irrelevant to US politics. She has a passionate base of supporters. And I know of young women who view her as a role model.

Just Some Stuff

2009-11-13T01:01:00.000-08:00

Let's see, what will I write, pretty much addressed to my reliable readership of moi today?

I think it's kind of an accomplishment to have blogs on four topics, all mostly unread. Hey we all have to have something to brag about!

Anyway. I was just reading some things in the news:

News...The Plan Is For A Senate Floor Fight On Anti-Choice Coverage In The Health Care Bill

News...Some Preliminary From Sarah Palin's Book

More news...having been sort of hurled into the illness-related world at a young age, I've seen this written up before, but I guess it is STILL the case that men are more likely to leave their wives if their wives become seriously ill than wives are to leave their husbands if their husbands become seriously ill. This study saw the trend with cancer and with MS.

And speaking of illness-related news: it seems being in love helps out with many things, even with physical pain...

My Blogger Profile

2009-11-11T13:27:00.001-08:00

But I can't seem to find a way to access html for it...so no paragraphs or active links in the "About Me" section? Maybe someone more clueful can give me info :)

In the meantime it has to read like this, sigh:

About Me
I've travelled the distance from an Ivy League college to decades of enforced poverty--because I've needed to qualify for government health care in the U.S., since being diagnosed with lupus at the age of 23. I'm easy to find on the net! I am "calibeep" on Twitter and "Pamela Beep" on FaceBook. My web site is at http://www.xbeepx.com . My blogs are: 1) Beep's Personal Purple Blog: http://beepbeep.livejournal.com ; 2) 710.0: A LIfe With Lupus http://710lupuslife.blogspot.com ; 3) The Starving Economist http://thestarvingeconomist.blogspot.com; 4) Grrls Just Wanna Have Fun http://xbeepxbeep.blogspot.com. Hope to see you somewhere in the virtual world :)

New lupus drug?

2009-11-11T03:26:00.000-08:00

Lupus affects many more women then men, although men do get it, and some get it very badly. It is possible that it having been looked upon as a "woman's disease" for so long affected research interest in and funding for the disease.

There has been no new drug approved for lupus in 50 years.

However...one may just have a shot at it, coming soon.

If You Want Abortion In The US To Remain Legal/Safe/Affordable...

2009-11-11T01:46:00.000-08:00

then you may want to read this

and then DO this

and check this out as well.

Why? Because abortion rights in this country are very much threatened by the health care bill which has already passed the House of Representatives--one big step on the way to becoming law. It's now the Senate's turn to make their decisions. In other words, time to speak up for what you want asap.

As for me...I'm not fond of abortion...which means I am REALLY not fond of back-alley abortions. I favor keeping the procedure legal and safe and using common-sense means to reduce its use (such as caring about how mothers and children are doing even AFTER the baby is actually born...)

Anyway, the fight is on.

The amusing part is seeing so many diehard penny-wise-pound-foolish antitaxers claiming victory for their pocketbooks because THEY will no longer be paying for any part of women's abortions (those not covered any more by insurance.) As if children didn't cost anything to raise--to their families, but also to the community. Not that I begrudge children their education, etc., but I just have to laugh at these bitter Scrooges who can't add up the pennies properly.

The Health Care Bill

2009-11-10T00:50:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post something about the historic bill which just passed in the U.S. House of Representatives. This is my women's issues blog, but certainly many women are interested in women's health issues as well as family health and have had special problems such as being discriminated against by health insurers.

But the current incarnation of U.S. health care reform is very complicated, and in the end the best I could do in a big hurry was to gather together some of the information I have and make it available here .

I hope it helps any of you who might be trying to find out how the legislation might affect you if it is passed.

URLs

2009-11-01T22:12:00.001-08:00

I admit it; I've been roaming around the web a bit looking for a break from the real news. I've been a news junkie since about the age of 4 and yet even I get overwhelmed by the things which are going on today--and by how shallow and unbalanced the coverage here is in the US, but that's another story I am looking for a way to put completely out of my mind right now. I'm just a few pain levels short of a migraine at the moment...and really don't want to tip the scales towards mortal agony.

So, some diversions...

How Not To Make Love Like A Porn Star is a shout-out to some men out there: men who, I gather, have been watching too much video and not enough real life...

I had to look up one of the words in the above article; I'm getting old, or too old-fashioned, or too isolated, or too depressed, or too neglected by the world, or too sheltered, or too lazy, or SOMETHING -- and way out of touch with the zeitgeist, here!

Then I checked out some Linda Franklin, who has embraced the term "cougar" even as some have found it to be insulting.

I personally was somehow imprinted in childhood with some sort of Flower Child view of the world which is so out of date as to be difficult to describe. I don't believe in ageism, sexism, thisism, thatism... (now the John Lennon song is running through my head) and I don't see people as how old they are or as an amount of money they make or property they own and in fact I do have trouble describing what people I know actually look like, since looks really don't matter to me. No, I'm not "on drugs." Scarier, I'm just naturally this way! And so "the 80s" were very hard on me, but I'm not going into that now.

Ok. So. Do Women Ask For Raises Less Often Than Men?

Does Ralph Lauren want female models...or possibly adolescent male models with fake breasts instead...or perhaps he could just hang his clothing on a long, thin metal pole...

---

I can't help respecting Barbara Ehrenreich, even though many of the ideas I've had for books that were trapped in my head (while my sick body refused to let me write them) ended up showing up one day, on best seller's lists with her name on them...and undoubtedly far better researched and written than I could have ever done :)

Instead of continuing to find this annoying or depressing, I'm now deliberately trying to send her more thought waves! Someone needs to write these important things! Maybe if I concentrate while meditating on a crystal... It doesn't appear I'm going to get much done with my life other than learn an awful lot about improvements that really need to be made to medical office waiting rooms, so in all seriousness, I hope a lot of the books I envision do get written someday, by somebody.

Of BE's current offerings, I really felt this article of hers is worth a read, and I'm very much looking forward to a copy of her book about positive thinking not necessarily being the magical cure-all for absolutely everything. I'm certainly tired of people telling me that if I thought positively enough I would not have health problems. In a way, that's trying to give me a guilt trip...and that's not very positive, now, is it?! So there! Of course, "positive thinking" is a lot cheaper than the treatments which have actually been working for me, and there's the incentive for the tax-haters or whomever else is on my case about my medical costs to try and get me to feel like all I had to do all of these years was to smile, smile, smile! :)

(I DO smile a lot. I've actually been asked to smile LESS. Which just shows you can't ever please 'em all and don't waste your time trying.)

Anyway. Lastly. Judith Warner also had some great things to say on the happiness thing.

AND
Roman Polanski still gives me the creeps. Truly. Ugh. Yes, I heard "The Pianist" was a great movie, but I'm sure the movie didn't depict any of this. It shouldn't be Roman's get-out-of-jail-free card.

Why Do Women Have Sex?

2009-10-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

No, I wasn't the one who asked...

The Mystery of Caster Semenya

2009-09-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

I would not want to be in Caster Semenya's shoes, whether they be men's shoes, women's shoes or track shoes. I can't imagine what it would be like to have the entire world watching for the result of tests to determine my actual gender! And I feel for the women I have been reading about who have things like Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome and look/think/feel like/are women, but have the male XY chromosome pattern. Gender is a lot more complex than my generation was brought up to think, and even more so than my mother's generation was!

No matter what the outcome as far as the sports judges will determine as a result of the gender testing, I wish Caster had been given some privacy.

Despite her getting a "makeover", btw, the verdict being reported today from allegedly leaked information is that Caster is "both a woman and a man." While the testing might have ended up providing her with important medical information, the inhumanely public ordeal may have affected her psychologically, and she has already pulled out of a race.

She is only 18 years old.

Blurting things out

2009-08-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

Most of what I write is stream-of-consciousness. Not much preparation or research or proofreading (if any.) I certainly value these things but I'm often really sick or really tired or really pressed for time. Sometimes I decide saying something is better than saying nothing at all. I'm probably wrong, since nothing I write is widely read or very much praised. It probably is better to only present one's best work or at least what one would consider acceptable after at least a cursory proofread. However, since no one is being forced to look at anything I've done, I'm working on shedding my guilt over just blurting out what is in my head and clicking the button to post. There are so many times when I am only half conscious, or struggling with pain or something like blurred vision. If I waited until I felt well enough to do things The Right Way--I would never do anything at all. My entire life has been one of forced compromise with a nasty illness and a nasty social structure which punishes sick people who must rely on public assistance to survive. When I remind myself of that, I stop feeling so sorry for anyone who doesn't like what I produce online...you know, they could just avert their eyes...

I wish I did have time and energy to produce pieces of careful writing. I wish I had time, energy, strength, vitality, ability, money, etc. for all kinds of things!

I'll contact my Fairy Godmother as soon as possible. In the meantime, I am sick to death of not being appreciated enough. Whether I deserve appreciation is another matter!

Some URLs

2009-08-02T02:11:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why, out of all the ways the state budget could have been balanced, California just lost its statefunding for domestic violence programs. If you are a resident, take action here. Sigh.

On a more uplifting note, this wins for beautiful pink link of the day!

Rape In Berlin

2009-07-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

Lately I've noticed Salon.com seems to be closing their commentary periods sooner, or something, after an article is published. So you won't be reading my opinion on this one . But the comments which are there provide even more material for a sociological study than the article itself.

Happy Birthday, USA!

2009-07-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

Photo Credit here

Deciding whether to keep this blog up

2009-06-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have three other blogs. Not that they are very much read either but for now I have some compelling reasons to keep those up. This one isn't read and doesn't seem to be useful to anyone except me...I use the links a lot and also keep track of what my friends are doing with it. I could probably move those functions to somewhere else.

So...thinking about whether to keep it or kill it. It was primarily for women's issues and emotional issues, stuff like that. But I get tired of blatant reminders of my unpopularity. So tired that lately I've been taking somewhat of a break from people. I'm one of the few people who sometimes can treat their depression by spending more time alone! I'm misjudged a lot, criticized a lot; praise is rare. When I think of the word "alone" there is a subtext of "lonely", but the stronger feeling is: "safe." Which I think says something. The world beats me up and I get really worn out and have to recharge.

I've been in horrible fights lately regarding medications I need and also in a battle with a bank for some insurance coverage they had promised and not delivered. I'm going to have to win the former or I won't live. The latter I'm probably going to have to suck up, and come up with money from somewhere. Who knows where. Plus I've been withdrawing from prednisone. And someone who was close to me has hurt me in a way that will take time to heal. Lastly--I know a LOT of people who only are willing to put up with me when I am very positive and full of energy. But I'm really tired right now. I'm in a lupus flare and can't help it. I'm not down, but I'm not perky. Just can't do perky when I'm physically exhausted.

Oh, well. I have a lot of solitary pursuits which I enjoy. Also, I live with beings who tolerate me...one human, one betta fish, and seven hermit crabs. Not that I don't get pinched now and then...!

But I'm talking to myself here, and I could do that in a personal journal...or aloud while I'm driving the car :)

Iran's Government Has Restricted The Flow Of News But Protests Continue

2009-06-20T17:00:00.001-07:00

The Iranian government has restricted the flow of news but protests continue to date against the election results which are widely viewed to have been falsely reported. I'm following on Twitter, #IranElection , and also at the Huffington Post.

People all over the world have been using green icons and avatars to show support of the protesters who are fighting for their voices to be heard.

The government crackdown on the protesters has been violent and deaths have been reported.

My prayers are with the Iranian people today.

California In Trouble

2009-06-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

It looks like a lot of the poor, the sick, and the kids in my state are about to get hit hard by budget-balancing madness. The current proposed cuts are unlike anything we have ever seen before and seem like they are designed to send California back into Dickensian England's version of social services. More info here and a petition here.

Abandoholism

2009-06-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

Sounds silly, I know. Like the last thing we need is another "oholism." But I actually found this condition as described here to be really interesting. I think there is still a lot to learn about surviving abuse, trauma, abandonment. The road to serenity is worth the travel even if it is long and bumpy, IMHO.

I'll have you know I MADE this

2009-05-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, I don't think I will ever leave the ranks of the handicraft-impaired, the kind of klutz who can fail Physical Education as well as struggle with Art and Penmanship in elementary school, but my talented sister is able to whip up fun stuff to do right in her home to keep her daughter Gracie entertained (as well as the visitor, Auntie Pam.)

At least this time I got more paint on the doily than on myself. That's my personal criteria for success. I've learned to set the bar low ;)

I could really use an extra friend right now, so...

2009-05-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

I bought one on eBay. Hope he arrives soon. Having someone to hold would be a tremendous comfort.

Emergency in Santa Barbara Jesusita Fire

2009-05-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

I am safe right now in Santa Maria but many of my friends are not safe at this time. There is a dangerous out of control wildfire in Santa Barbara and many neighborhoods are under mandatory evacuation. I am passing news on to people who can follow me on Twitter; search #jesusitafire for a lot of information from many who are contributing.

Yes, this is very unusual, three terrible fires in SB area w/in a year. Gap Fire, Tea Fire, Jesusita Fire. It is also very unusual for fire season to show up so early in the spring.

As I am writing this, homes are going up in flames. No containment; fire out of control.

Photos from citizens.

People are being asked to evacuate early. Don't wait for knock on the door. Conserve water. Turn water off when evacuating.

Governor has declared state of emergency.
We are getting help coming in from all over the state now.
Governor has asked for FEMA funds.

Prayers requested for my hometown.

Press Releases

SB Independent

EdHat

KSBY

KEYT

"Hermit Crab Treadmill"...

2009-05-05T01:08:00.000-07:00

this behavior, which I've seen all seven pet hermit crabs exhibit, was finally caught on video :)

May Is Lupus Awareness Month!

2009-05-05T00:54:00.000-07:00

Learn about Lupus.

It Should Be Mothers' Day Every Day

2009-05-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

For the health and safety of mothers and newborns around the world, that is.

Want To Become One Of My Fans On HuffPo?

2009-05-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

Well, you never know, someone might say yes!

Happy May 1

2009-05-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

I know in many places in the world it is (or was) a holiday.

Yes, it is still May 1 where I am !
"April showers bring May flowers"
We had our April showers today, some sort of weather contrarians I guess :)

Worthy Cause I Wanted To Put Out There

2009-05-01T03:32:00.000-07:00

I was touched by this.

I really liked this APOD!

2009-04-30T03:44:00.000-07:00

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap090430.html

Swine Flu Latest

2009-04-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

I wanted to cut-and-paste to here (and trim some of the personal yakkity yak out) but I'm really not feeling well and keep making stupid formatting mistakes. So for today please just visit the purple blog.

We All Need To Learn More About Domestic Abuse

2009-04-28T03:21:00.000-07:00

Especially in the US, where our social safety net is full of massive, gaping, hideous holes. Here Margo Howard prints a letter which disagreed with some advice she had given to an abuse victim. It is a good reminder to refrain from making judgement.

I have myself heard from people experiencing abuse who do not want to divorce because the abuser could easily end up with court-mandated unsupervised time with the children. All kinds of terrible things happen in a system which needs fixing (but not slashing and burning...)

On ostracism

2009-04-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

I never really liked the way social groups of girls would sometimes pick a target and shun them from the group...a common occurrence, especially in adolescence. Even when I wasn't the target I was very uncomfortable with this. It seemed a cruel game at best and a quiet but horrific aggression at worst.

In high school, a close friend of mine would sometimes stop speaking to me when she was angry about something and would do her best to convince other friends to join her in my "punishment". I remember doing my best to carry on without friends for a few days while inwardly feeling an almost total loss of self-esteem and even reason for living. I think that because I was a favorite target when I was small, in an elementary school where my being a gifted child was a huge social handicap, I was prone to PTSD episodes when ostracized at an older age. Also I had unsolved problems at home and a brewing undiagnosed serious health problem to cope with, so my friends were very important to me, and it was incredibly hurtful when they weren't there for me.

Likewise I don't do well with the "silent treatment" from people who are angry with me. I recently realized I rarely encounter it any more because I instinctively move away emotionally from most who would try to use it on me. Of course some people require a short cooling-off period when angered, and I myself will take a "time out" and refuse to argue any more about something if the argument is triggering a migraine or going in circles without resolution and exhausting me physically or otherwise causing a serious problem, but longer periods of refused communication are very hard on me. Now I am learning that they are poorly tolerated by most people.

My first reaction to someone I care for cutting me off is often a panic attack. I know PTSD plays a role in this happening to me. I find this ironic because panic attacks are not very attractive and are probably not a big help in convincing anyone to let me back into their life.

Other feelings I have when shunned are of sadness, loss, sometimes depression and even worthlessness (I feel I am not even worthy in the aggressor's eyes of the time and energy it would take to talk the problem out and try to come up with a solution). I can become badly hurt in a way that can take time to heal (I feel like the person doesn't seem to care if I am being hurt so then I wonder what that says for how much they value me at all?) If care so much that I just have to stick around, I can go through a period of feeling very vulnerable and afraid to say much, and of longing for reassurance of the other person's caring for me but being unable to ask for that reassurance.

I can also feel like I am being unfairly treated (I start to have thoughts like: even a criminal gets a jury trial and I don't even get to defend myself in this situation?!). I also experience fear, probably from PTSD (flashbacks of being forced into a garbage can at about age 6, for one example, are frequent and disturbing.) I become extremely tense, due to the fear, and due to having been abandoned more than most have by so many people I grew close to in my life, thanks to a nasty case of lupus and all the rotten stuff that showed up with it.

For these reasons I remain somewhat of a lonely person, and have accepted this situation. I believe that I just have to painfully live with sometimes being misjudged, unwanted, and abandoned, thanks to this bizarre disease and also the economic position the nation I live in forced me into due to my need for health care.

So I wondered what others experience when ostracized, and started to read about it. I found the preview for this book interesting, and it reminded me a bit of the insights I received when I read a different book. But I haven't bought the ostracism book yet; money is more than tight right now so it will have to go on the wish list.

I was especially intrigued by the parts of the book which described how the aggressor sometimes becomes almost addicted to ostracizing their victim and finds breaking the silence very difficult, and also of how some aggressors really enjoy their sense of power. This appears to be a much more complex behavior than I had ever realized.

Anyway. My hope is that all of my work on social interaction and emotional issues will help me learn and evolve as a support group leader and peer counselor. I also hope to become a better friend and family member.

Links:

Cold Shoulder, Silent Treatment Do More Harm Than Good
Ostracism: the Kiss of Social Death
Ostracism
Ostracism At Work

Confessions of a Silly Girl

2009-04-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

When my heart is broken, I want to cry. I feel like a good cry will make me feel better. When the tears won't come is when I start to feel something go wrong inside, like blood pressure rising or something-I-don't-know-what. I hate the feeling of being right on the edge of sobbing and...stuck there. For days. "Let it OUT, girl!" I keep saying to myself...and sometimes I also feel like if I could just let it out I would have a better sense of just WHAT has hurt me and how bad the situation is. If only "onion tears" would jumpstart the process; I'd go chop one up right now. Of course, when I am finally able to cry this one out, it will start in some public place where I do not want it to...sigh.

Women smell better than men?

2009-04-08T23:14:00.001-07:00

Read all about it...

Sometimes I am scared just THINKING about what must be in my head somewhere

2009-04-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

For example, this excerpt from a 1970's children's book shows what some of what must lie deep in my brain looks like. I wonder where one goes for wash & vacuum of the subconscious mind.

"The Lord never gives you more than you can handle"

2009-04-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

I wish the above were true, but I'm not so sure. I know I reach points where I suddenly KNOW--this is too much for me; I'm on overload; the phaser is about to detonate! or collapse into itself.

I'm starting to be able to recognize those moments, but I don't really know what to do about them. Years of therapy taught me "that's when you need to reach out to someone." WORST ADVICE I'VE EVER HAD. That make work for people who have the popularity dust. For me, it means I have to deal with rejections on TOP of overload.

What seems to help me, if anything, is 1) pray 2) do something I enjoy, even for a short time 3) accomplish something, even something very small, and praise myself (no one else is gonna do it!) for this.

"How To Be Your Own Best Friend" was a popular book title decades ago...but I had to learn "How To Be Your Only Friend", for many periods of my life, out of necessity. The only book, maybe, was the Book of Job.

I hit more than I could handle last November, and I hit it again today. I've got good reasons. I'm not crazy; just given far more than I can possibly bear at one time...again. This means I'm going to be dropping some things, important things, without meaning to, in a sloppy fashion, because I can't carry the load and some of it is going to slip out of my hands, with bad consequences.

And I know I'm talking to the ether, but I'm used to it. I've just got to stop chattering to myself in public. Seems to unnerve passers-by!

Earth Hour: turn your lights off 8:30 - 9:30 local time

2009-03-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yo West Coast,

If you forgot, here's a reminder: turn those lights off NOW! :)

http://www.earthhour.org/home/

Sometimes having my life threatened makes me irritable.

2009-03-17T03:16:00.000-07:00

True confessions.

International Women's Day

2009-03-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

I found the website for International Women's Day to be pretty informative.

My stepfather always described himself as "a proud male chauvanist", and he was, although he certainly respected my mother's work outside the home and was proud of how well she did her job as a branch manager of a bank. I think of him today because it was his birthday. He truly believed in reincarnation. Whatever happens after we pass on, I pray his soul is in a good place.

Anyway, he didn't really like his birthday being called International Women's Day...we teased him a bit about that one, I have to admit.

Rules Broken

2009-01-23T02:29:00.000-08:00

I've been paying bills and running between cities to doctors and counting my carbs and keeping my blood sugar diary and poking holes all over my fingers and haven't had any fun at all. Tonight D. suggested I finally watch the movie I'd got from Netflix two months ago. I said I couldn't because it would have me awake till 2:30 am and he said "So?"

So I watched it! An unabashedly "chick flick" on my laptop! "Sex and the City." I laughed; I cried; I missed the east coast. I imagined one of many possible heavens: being able to live in New York City with lots and lots of money. What a lot of people don't know about me is that the hideous way I dress myself has more to do with poverty and medication side effects and allergies and all kinds of medical symptoms you really don't want to hear about than with taste. I peoplewatch and dress people up in their head (and make them look A LOT BETTER, I might add.) So even if I reincarnated into my brilliant career and subsequent $$$ bank account in NYC with a face like a troll, I would be ok, because I WOULD know how to look good anyway! Ha! :)

Perimenopause

2009-01-08T00:50:00.000-08:00

It is definitely not the worst health challenge I've had to deal with in my life. But it's no trip to Disneyland, either.

Peri can be a real pain. Take just the irregular periods (yes take them PLEASE.) No periods for months, and then with no warning, WHAMMO. Embarrassing. There has got to be a better system. Someone please make me an appointment with God to discuss the matter.

Existential

2008-11-22T00:45:00.000-08:00

In my youth, it was "Is there anybody out there?"

Now in adulthood it's "Is there anybody out there, and if so, why don't they sign my guestbook?"

I'm not sure technology advanced so fast so that we could find new ways to feel socially slighted...!

I make jokes about that kind of thing relating to myself.

But this is no joke. It is an ongoing and horrifying story. The part I understand the least is how an adult mother could have played such an active role in tormenting a teen who was not getting along with her own daughter. I thought moms were supposed to try to help put teen angst into some kind of perspective.

I remember a boy in high school always telling me how lucky I was to be a girl and not have to worry about being called out to fight somebody. His complaints would always remind me of my own and others' experiences of how cruel the sublimated aggression of girls can be...and for which I did not have the vocabulary or the experience to explain to him. All I remember replying was a darkly murmured "You just don't understand..."

I knew, because when I was elementary-school age I was often "the new girl" and a popular target. Having spent years as an emotional punching bag affects me to this day in ways that sometimes surprise me.

When I witness bullying among children, I MAKE it stop.

I think my LJ blog might be back up!

2008-11-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

I hope so. Some people actually read that one!

I want to sleep; too bad

2008-11-19T14:20:00.000-08:00

I would really like to just go to bed and deal with the flu-shot-induced mini-flu (I am immunosuppressed from chemo stuff so I sort of get the flu with the flu shot) but it looks like a busy afternoon is upon us. The Apple store called and it is time to take my precious baby, the laptop, in for the logic board operation. Since they are in a different city I can't really ask dburr to walk there and take it in for me. Speaking of dburr, he needs some more help with Social Security stuff today. And I started a cleaning-out project yesterday morning I am going to have to finish because if I don't I really am going to trip over it one night when I am tired and forget it is there. And the pharmacy needs the new prescription the doc gave me for one of the meds I am not supposed to stop taking suddenly. I'd hoped they would handle this one with the doc's office over the phone. Of course, the bottle is empty, now. Good thing I had hoarded samples so I won't end up in the ER today.

I feel rotten, but it is good news

2008-11-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

Because yesterday I found a place that was giving flu shots this late in the year! My pulmonologist wanted me to have one but I didn't realize soon enough that you really have to do this in Sept/Oct around here these days. It was hard to remember the flu season in the blistering heat... Anyway my body is letting me know it doesn't like the flu shot, but it never has, so nothing abnormal about this. I'd hoped to take dburr to the same place today to get his, but he has been sleeping a lot and didn't get up in time. I hope he reminds me to take him either next Monday or next Tuesday evening, when they are having that clinic open again, but this time from 5 to 8 pm.

Shhh, please shhh

2008-11-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

My poor long-suffering housemate has been asked once again to turn down the volume of his computer game in the other room. I'm typing with one eye open only, trying to avoid another migraine. I seem to be getting them really often lately, a sudden change. I'm hoping that if the weather finally chooses a season and sticks with it, one of these days, that the migraine frequency might go back to what it was before we had such wide swings in temperature etc. going on. I know I'm under a lot of stress what with the challenge before me of "How ARE We Going To Pay The Rent Now ?", but this migraine cycle began before housemate got laid off.

Some migraines are more painful than others. This current cluster is pretty nasty. The pain reliever I'm having to use when they show up is "about eight times stronger than morphine and about three times stronger than heroin on a milligram basis" (description courtesy of Wikipedia.) So I'm having pain at a level that is only controlled by using a Schedule II drug. Wonderful. And no, there is no "high" from taking the medication. There is just a "thank you, God" relief of pain that brings it down to something one can tolerate and still remain alive.

These are not the worst migraines I have ever had. Those were in high school, before I was diagnosed with anything wrong with me other than allergies. I had a bf then who kept telling me I was sick a lot more often than was normal (I broke dates all the time due to illness, and it was real illness) but I truly believed that other people suffered just as much as I did physically from day to day, and that they all just handled it a lot better.

I remember that same bf reading an astronomy textbook to me for a university class we were both taking via a program for high school students to attend a University of California; I could not read myself as I had to keep my eyes closed due to increased pain from light. He had to use a soft voice, too. That was a monster headache and I don't know how I got an "A" in the class. I wasn't able to do that with math and my math grades in university classes disappointed my high school math teacher who thought I was no longer applying myself. I could not do calculus well with my eyes shut. I needed to see it, on paper, and with a passel of migraines I did not have that option often enough.

I also flash back sometimes to a dry, hot, windy Santa Ana day in a September. My head hurt so badly that I was lying on the floor, unable to get up. I muttered a "please go away" to anyone who asked me what I was doing. In retrospect I can see why family members might have thought I was a sandwich short of a picnic...

Anyway, although I would rather just let people be, I will put on the Controlling Bitch From The Nether Regions demeanor and tell everyone around me to shut the hell up if it means avoiding a sensation like having my head ripped open by an angry tiger, with some vertigo, photophobia, nausea, hyperacusis and osmophobia thrown in like side dishes at a terrible restaurant. If you feel like looking those up. Also for the more medically interested among you, I get migraines that are usually with aura, they do run in my family, but also could be secondary to SLE. I would explain all of this but the computer screen is beginning to seem too bright for even one eye to tolerate any more. Which means another evening of lying quietly in the dark. Boring. Bleh.

I for one am not surprised that the folks saying migraineurs are "just hysterical whiners" and who toss out other such ignorant put-downs are actually major-league wrong. If any of you bullies are still around, I hiss at thee. Quietly.

Purple Blog Temporarily Out Of Commission

2008-11-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

LiveJournal is moving their server...to a different state (from California to Montana)! So I will be hanging out here for a bit :)

All Those Blogs On The Right Side Of This Page

2008-11-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

I am sorry but some of the posts in the blogs on the list to the right are "Friends Only" :) Nothing I can do about that!